


Something Sweet

by 7billionothersandme



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Dog BB-8, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, chubby!poe, ex-military
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7041550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7billionothersandme/pseuds/7billionothersandme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe hasn't let anyone new into his life for a long time. He quite likes it that way. But Finn has a way about him, that Poe could never consciously resist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Poe groans into his pillow, willing the beeping to shut off and leave him alone. These days he usually sleeps okay, but he’d had a shitty customer yesterday who had left him feeling stressed all day and that had finally manifested into a nightmare that left him wide awake and shaking at 2am. It was only BB’s concerned licks and headbutts that had calmed him down enough to fall back into a light, dozing sleep. 

He eventually manages to push himself upright and turn off the alarm after a few attempts, rubbing his hands along his jaw. He wishes he could shave properly, his beard’s beginning to get out of control. And that combined with his general physique makes him look a bit like a greasy hobo, which isn’t a such a good look when you’re serving customers. He might be able to manage a trim though, so he sets the coffee maker going before showering and trimming as quickly as he’s able, not looking too hard at his bloodshot eyes. 

He lights his morning cigarette on the gas hob, as usual, and drinks his slightly tepid mug of coffee. 

Today’s special is summer berry tart, because it’s seasonal and he’d managed to get a great deal on a frankly ridiculous amount of raspberries that he needs to shift before they go off.

But before he gets to that he heads downstairs and starts with his usual cupcakes (because they last longer and need to cool before being iced), followed by the summer berry tart and some other, smaller fruit tarts, before finishing off with the danish pastries that most people, including himself, tend to grab during the morning rush. 

Granted the morning rush consists of about thirty people, all of whom are regulars that live in the area, but it’s still his most busy time of day, dancing constantly between the coffee machine and the till and the hot water, trying to maintain a healthy level of enthusiasm for each customer and not scald himself simultaneously.

He’ll be the first to admit that this little bakery doesn’t see a huge amount of customers, out of the way and shabby as it is. But he gets enough to keep in business, which he’s thankful for. The few modifications he’s made to the place since he re-opened it have helped, the addition of a few chairs and tables, a small, grouchy coffee machine, simple stuff to get people to stick around and maybe encourage them to come back.

“Alright, have a nice day now!” he calls out to the customer just leaving, before sighing and leaning against the counter. It’s a given that the morning rush leaves him exhausted, but it's made worse by the generally shit night he’d had. He pushes back onto his feet and locks the front entrance, only fumbling the key twice, flipping the open sign to closed.

“Lunchtime,” he mutters to himself, stomach growling in response. Poe smiles, looking down at his stomach and patting it gently, “Yeah, I hear ya, pal.”

He’s not got much left in his fridge he notices, but manages to scrape up enough junk to put together something at least vaguely resembling a sandwich. 

The harsh smoke of his habitual lunchtime cigarette helps take the edge off the stress of the morning. Not that he hates dealing with the customers, most of them are lovely, it's just that he never quite got back into the habit of enjoying company, and being around people drains him.

He heads back down to the front at 12:30 and unlocks the door. It’s rare for him to get anyone come in just after lunch, so he tends to go into the kitchen and bake up any new batches of things that need re-stocked or make up any pastry he’ll need for the next morning. BB is usually down at the shop front with him (which is also, incidentally, a great pull for customers, although she is technically a service dog so he has to frequently tell people not to pet her) and she scratches at the kitchen door to let him know if anyone’s come in.

She used to be allowed in the kitchen, when he was still pretty bad about flashbacks and panic attacks, but they happen much more rarely nowadays so he’d decided that she doesn’t always need to follow him everywhere. Particularly into the kitchen, which he’s sure is probably a health code violation.

As the work day begins to pull to a close he gets a few more customers, and usually he would let them stay to finish their drinks and chat, but today is Wednesday, which means group counseling, which means he has to close up sharp.

He walks over to the last remaining couple, “Sorry guys, but I gotta close up now. You can take the rest of your pie with you if you want?”

They don’t seem to realise he’s there for a second before they break eye contact to look up at him, both of them blushing slightly. Its cute. They give their apologies for holding him up but he brushes them off, he can forgive them for being young and in love.

As he locks the front door for the end of the day he rubs at his face again, God he hopes he sleeps well tonight, he fucking needs it. 

Then he goes to box up any goods that can’t be saved for tomorrow to take to counseling, he doesn’t like to waste good food and he knows that everyone appreciates being able to eat something sugary after the formal session time. It certainly made everyone warm up to him fast enough when he first joined.

 

* * *

 

Finn’s eyes blink open as the front door shuts, that’ll be Rey going out for her run, which means it's probably about 5:45. Closing his eyes again he checks up on his body, feet feel okay, a bit tingly. Left ankle is fine, the right one is gonna be a pain today he can tell. Calves are both fine, as are his knees, but his hips might be causing issues later if he’s not careful. And as usual his back is stiff as all hell and it’s gonna be a nightmare sitting up.

Sighing, he pushes the duvet off himself and starts off stretching his legs. First the left, because that one rarely hurts, and then the right, because that one gives him grief daily and he always has to take twice as long to get it into something resembling working order. 

Eventually he musters up the courage to sit up, grunting as the muscles pull painfully and the damaged nerves send tingles down his spine. Maybe if he was seeing some improvement he wouldn’t mind having to do these exercises every day, but as it is he still wakes up every day stiff and in pain and goes to bed every night aching. The doctors had said he might never recover full usage of his legs and that being able to walk at all was a minor miracle, but still. He’d take being numb over being in constant pain every waking moment.

After glancing at it briefly he decides to forego his cane and just limp his way to the kitchen, it's not that far after all, and if he can make it he’ll count it as a success. A yellow sticky note stuck to the fridge catches his attention,  _ Make bacon please!!! Love Rey xox.  _ Finn smiles to himself, Rey could probably eat a whole packet of bacon in one sitting if you let her. But he’s not about to refuse her that, and he might as well make himself some as well. He gets the feeling that she makes him cook her breakfast more for his benefit than her own, as if she knows that otherwise he would just have half an apple and be done with it.

He knows there's rolls in the freezer but frankly even the idea of bending down to get them out makes his back spasm, Rey’ll just have to get them out herself if she wants. 

Grunting slightly he lowers himself down onto the sofa, plate of bacon in hand, and pulls the laptop over. The job search is beginning to get desperate. There's not many places that a disabled ex-serviceman with only a high school education can get work, and even less places that are actually hiring. If it weren’t for his back, if he’d been able to retire when he wanted to, he probably would have become a cop. But that is seriously out of the question now.

He’s still scrolling through job pages when Rey comes back, having found very little that would be suitable so far. 

“Did you find anything?” she says, a little breathlessly as she collapses next to him with her own plate of bacon.

“Nah, I’m about as employable as an ex-drug lord pimp who also enjoyed killing babies on the side.”

Rey scrunches up her nose at him, “Ew, graphic.”

He just nods and resumes his search, he’ll give it another half hour, then he might see if there’s not some veteran employment service that he can go through.

Eventually he gives up and has some lunch, before putting on his shoes and grabbing his walking stick, “Rey! I’m headed out, and also I’ve got that counseling thing tonight so I’m making early dinner!”

She calls out an affirmative from the bedroom, probably already got her nose buried in her textbooks.

It’s a nice enough day out, thankfully dry and not too warm. He knows there’s a park a couple of blocks away, so he decides to walk around it for as long as he can stand it and then take seat for however long it takes him to muster up the strength to head back.

There's a few other students hanging about, and some kids playing on a climbing frame, but other than that the place is pretty empty. Which suits him, busy places tend to be hard to manouver, and there's always folks who stare at the young black guy walking with a stick and wonder what the fuck happened to him. Which he never needs.

He sits for a while, watching the way the sun filters through the trees. It feels slightly unreal, where he is now compared to where he was a few months ago, trapped in a hospital undergoing surgery after surgery to fix his back, and before that at the base. Everything there had been arid heat and sand, here in comparison, it was absolutely lush.

Glancing at his watch he realises he should probably head back to the apartment if he wants to make it to counseling on time, so he stands up, wincing a little, and makes his way  back.

 

* * *

 

Group counseling had not been something that Poe had expected he would go to, not when he first came back to Brooklyn and was about twenty different shades of fucked up in the head. But his therapist had suggested it would be a good idea, and then it had transpired that the woman running the group was also ex-military, and had known Poe’s mother, so he ended up going out of some sense of obligation to her memory. 

Now though, five years later, he had found a sense of community with the other regulars, although he always declined their offers to meet up outside of group. And he reckons that the General likes keeping tabs on him, making sure he’s okay.

He’s got about five minutes to spare when he walks in, enough time to set up his boxes of cakes at the back with the water heater and mugs and exchange a few pleasantries with Jess and Snap.

Snap clasps his hand into a firm shake that he pulls into a hug, “Alright man?”

Poe grins back at him, “Yeah, same old, same old. You know. How's the twins?”

Snap grins, “They’re good, keeping me on my toes,” he says, with a conspirational wink before Jess shoves him out the way and slaps Poe’s hand into a fist bump. She still doesn’t speak much, just greets him with a handshake and a nod most weeks. It’s comforting in contrast to Snap’s willingness to ramble on about his kids forever.

At that moment Leia, also known as the General, takes her seat and waits for everybody to follow her lead. Despite only being about five foot tall there’s an increidble aura of strength about her that results in everyone being acutely aware whenever she does anything.

Everyone’s taken their seats, but there’s still one left empty, and the General remains silent, waiting for the latecomer. Who, at that moment pushes through the doors, and freezes seeing the circle of people turn to stare at him.

“Uh...sorry for being late. Walk was further than I realised and I-” he gestures helplessly at his cane, and everybody in the room understands, several people shoot him smiles or small waves.

“That’s fine sweetie, just take a seat,” Leia says, smiling gently.

He limps his way towards the last remaining seat, and Poe notices the barely concealed grimace as he sits down and stretches out his right leg, rubbing it gently.

“So for those of you who are new to this group my name is Leia, but if it’s more comfortable for you, you can call me General, I won’t mind,” she starts, looking around the circle to pick out the unfamiliar faces, “we can start by going round and doing names. Then we’ll see who has anything to share, okay?”

Most people nod, some people mumble quiet affirmatives and she sits back, gesturing for Snap to start with the introductions.

“My real name’s Temmin, but it’s shit, so you can all call me Snap.” That gets a few nervous smiles out of the newbies.

When they get to Poe he gives a small wave, his hands always tremble worse in the evening, it used to piss him off, but now he uses it as an excuse to get it out of the way before anyone thinks to stare too hard at them.

Turns out the late-comer is called Finn. He still seems kind of nervous, but Poe remembers his first session; he had been about an inch away from a full blown panic attack the entire time.

With the introductions done they go back to the start of the circle and Snap starts off with a cute story about something the twins did yesterday, but continues more seriously about coping with two loud toddlers and the auditory sensitivity he had developed alongside his PTSD. 

“Shit, what can I say? It’s hard to be a good parent when they get into the pots and pans and I have to lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour ‘cause I can’t cope with the noise. I don’t wanna teach them that making noise and being themselves is bad, ya know?”

Several people murmur in agreement and the conversation moves on.

When they reach Poe he tries to start off light-hearted too, knowing how heavy these sessions can feel, “Well, I only seriously scalded myself about six times this week, which is an improvement on last week's score of ten,” Jess grins at him across the circle, she finds his pain hilarious, which he appreciates, “but uh...I had a couple nightmares. There was this one shitty customer who pissed me off which didn’t help things, but other than that, very few complaints. BB here is a massive help, as always.” He leans down to pet his dog, who has accompanied him to every single counseling session since he got her.

When they reach Finn he seems unsure of where to start, “Well, uh…” he trails off, looking around the circle, he looks pretty overwhelmed. Poe catches his eye and shoots him a reassuring smile and nod, which seems to bolster the kids courage.

“I moved here recently, to live with my half-sister while I get back on my feet. I’m looking for a job at the moment but it’s hard to find one that’ll accommodate this thing,” he gives his leg a pat, then winces, “I got, uh, discharged after some roadside bombs went off next to the humvees we were travelling in and sent a massive shard of metal through my back. I was one of three who made it,” his voice quietens a little, “the rest of my squad mates are gone.”

Poe blinks, shit. That’s a hard one to deal with, at least when Poe had crashed he had only been responsible for his own survival. But losing almost a whole squad… _ Damn _ .

Once the session’s finished and Finn’s making his way toward the door Poe jogs up to him, “Finn, right? Sure you don’t wanna stay for some cake and coffee?” 

He gives Finn his best winning smile and he can see the man slowly decide to take him up on the offer, “I baked them myself you know. So I promise they’re not poisoned or anything.”

That seems to pique Finn’s interest, “You’re a baker?”

“Yeah, I own a place a few blocks away. Resistance bakery. It’s not much but… It’s mine.”

Finn just nods, looking at him with interested eyes as he bites into a mixed fruit tart, “Mmph, this is great man. Seriously!” His eyes roll shut and he shakes his head after taking a second bite.

Poe just chuckles, “That’s uh… actually what I wanted to talk to you about. You said you were lookin for a job?”

Finn nods cautiously, so Poe ploughs on.

“Well, I’ve been thinking recently about maybe bringing on someone else to help. Just a few hours a day probably at first, doing the cash register and the coffee and stuff, ‘cause you know my hands aren't so good with that shit.” He grabs a coffee cup to demonstrate, and sure he’s pretty tired so the shakes are bad, but the way it trembles back and forth serves to illustrate his point well enough. He’s spilt enough coffee on customers for a lifetime.

Finn swallows the last of his fruit tart, “ Are you sure? I mean I can’t really stand or anythin-”

“I’d give you a seat dude don’t worry, this isn’t Walmart.”

Finn smiles at that,  _ success _ , “Yeah sure, I mean, if you’re serious about this.”

Poe smiles back, “‘Course I am buddy. Could you come by about 12:30 tomorrow and I’ll get you settled in?”

“Yeah… definitely. Thanks man, seriously. This job search has been driving me up the wall.”

Poe just claps him gently on the shoulder, “Anything for a fellow ex-serviceman. Me and BB better get going but hey- why don’t you take some cakes back to your half-sister, I’m sure she’d love ‘em.”

Finn just nods back and tucks the box that Poe had indicated under his free arm before following him out the door.

When Poe gets back to his apartment he lights another cigarette and collapses onto his ratty sofa. He figures he'll probably just watch some trashy movie until he starts to fall asleep and then move to his bed.

The cigarette hangs loosely between his lips and his hooded eyes stare unfocused at the t.v, his hands shake lightly beside him. It barely occurs to him that this is the first time he’s ever actively decided to meet someone outside of counselling.

Finn finally reaches the door to this apartment, his leg and back are killing him. He may have overdone it today. Exhausted, he drops the keys on the ground and lets out a low groan, no way is he gonna be able to pick them up.

“Rey…” he groans against the door, tapping it with his fist, “Rey?”

Eventually he hears footsteps and the door opens to him leaning against the door frame with his best pouty face on, “Can you please pick up my keys?”

Rey just sighs and bends down to pick them up, she looks exhausted too. Finn offers up the box of cakes, “I come bearing gifts.” And he makes his way inside, collapses onto the bed and stares at the ceiling until, hours later, sleep finally takes him.


	2. Chapter 2

Poe wakes up just before his alarm from an uneasy sleep. There hadn’t been any nightmares, at least none bad enough to wake him. But his brain had been restless, thinking up images of Finn’s squad, who they were, if they’d had families, what Finn must be dealing with. It felt like he’d gone through the whole night in a doze, never quite sure if he was dreaming or thinking.

Following his smoke and coffee he goes downstairs and opens up shop for the day. Some part of his brain won’t stop being excited by the fact that Finn’ll be coming over in a few hours, but he blames that on the fact that he’s essentially a recluse and the only meaningful interaction he gets on a regular basis is with his dog.

As usual he heads back down at 12:30 to reopen after his lunch break and Finn is leaning against the wall outside, staring blankly at his phone. The screen is powered off. 

Poe’s face spreads into a smile as he unlocks the door, “Hey, buddy! How’re you doing?”

Finn jerks upright, surprised, poor kid was probably zoned out. He looks exhausted. Poe had just figured it was the lights in the community centre, they made everyone look like shit, but even now in the afternoon light, the bags under Finn’s eyes were dark and heavy.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, just a little unconvincingly as he follows Poe into the bakery.

“Uh huh,” Poe raises his eyebrows, “how many hours did you get last night?”

Finn looks at a spot somewhere above Poe’s right shoulder as he says, “Oh, about usual,” before he accidentally meets Poe’s eyes and deflates, facade dropping, “a couple hours give or take.”

Poe whistles, he usually gets a decent six or seven, “That’s usual?”

Finn nods stiffly, once again avoiding eye contact. 

Poe sits heavily at a table, there’s no customers yet, probably won’t be for a while, and indicates that Finn should sit opposite him.

“Nightmares or insomnia?”

“What?” Finn looks startled by the question.

“Is it nightmares or insomnia? For me it’s mostly nightmares, but I used to get night-terrors real bad. Used to freak out the neighbours.” Poe finishes it off with another grin, because as comfortable as he is talking about this stuff he can’t quite bear to do it seriously. 

“Oh, insomnia, mostly. Takes me ages to fall asleep and then any little noise wakes me up. I’m getting used to it though.” He looks straight at Poe then, as if trying to make him believe that it’s all okay, and also probably telling him to leave it alone. 

So Poe does, and starts telling Finn his plan, “What I was thinking, today we get you trained up on the till, I can write out instructions if that helps you. You ever worked as a cashier?” Finn shakes his head, “Good, cause my machine is a cheap piece of shit that you won't find in any self respecting retail establishment, and it’s real quirky too. Once you’re settled in with that you can either wait for customers or you can come watch me in the kitchen. Usually in the afternoons it’s pretty quiet so I bake new batches of things needing re-stocked and make up stuff I need for the next day. Any questions?”

Finn nods, and swallows, fingers picking at the edge of the table as if he’s trying to broach a subject very carefully, “I don’t wanna be rude or anything but… With your hands- how does the baking- I mean-”

Poe cuts him off before he works himself into a state, “I don’t know. My parents owned this bakery way before I did. I grew up making cakes and little figurines out of marzipan and… It’s the only thing that calms them down.” He holds his hands just above the table, palms down, and they both watch them tremble, an occasionally stronger twitch shaking them.

Poe smiles wryly, “Trauma’s funny like that, huh?” and Finn shoots him a small twist of the mouth in return.

A small second of silence passes between them before Poe jumps back up from the chair, clapping his hands together, “Right, best get you started before someone comes in. I found this chair for you. Hope it’s okay.” He gestures behind the counter to an adjustable wheely chair. Finn grabs the back and moves it about a bit experimentally, one wheel is a little stiff, but otherwise it seems good.

“Yeah, this is good. Adjustable will be better for my back and- wait you didn't buy this for me did you?”

Poe laughs, “God no, I stole it from outside an office building. Dunno why it was being chucked, seems in good working order, right?”

Finn nods, glad that he doesn’t have to feel too guilty about Poe doing so much for him already.

Poe claps him on the shoulder and points him to the till, it definitely looks like it's seen better days, “Alright, so what you have to do is enter the price manually, which I know is a pain, but they’re all written on the board behind you. Then once you’re done you just press total, right?” Finn nods, and Poe continues his explanation.

When he’s nearly finished, just telling Finn what to do if the customer wants to pay by card, someone walks in. Poe steps back and indicates that Finn should go ahead.

He scoots forward in his chair, a wide grin plastered across his face “Hi, what can I get for you today?” Poe smiles to himself, the kid's a natural.

The customer orders a slice of raspberry and almond tart and a black coffee, Finn handles the transaction, twisting his chair to check the prices, while Poe makes up the coffee and tries very hard not to spill it.

“There you go ma’am. Have a lovely day,” Finn waves the woman off as she leaves the shop before turning to look at Poe, “That okay?”

“Yeah Finn, that was great. You’re a natural!” Finn scoffs slightly and wrinkles his nose, “I’m not kidding man, you’ve got a friendly attitude and a great smile to match.”

At that Finn can’t seem to hold back small grin. Poe responds with a wide, eye-crinkling grin of his own, “That’s what I like to see!”

Poe bends down slightly to check the cabinet, “Right, we’re running low on double chocolate cupcakes. You wanna help out or you wanna stay here?”

“Is it okay if I stay here? I wanna go over all the steps, make sure I don’t forget them.”

Poe taps him lightly on the shoulder, “That’s fine buddy. Lemme know if you need any help, okay?” He waits for Finn to nod before turning and pushing through the door to the kitchen.

Finn is looking down at the till, mouthing the different steps to himself when someone else walks in and he looks up, another smile ready on his face, “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

The man scans the rows of cakes before pointing at the cabinet, “Lemon cupcake, and a green tea.”

Finn panics slightly, Poe hasn’t gone through what teas they have yet or where they are and it’s not up on the board. He grimaces apologetically at the customer, “Sorry, first day. Can you just give me a sec while I check if we’ve got that,” the customer nods, but doesn’t look particularly pleased as Finn slides over to the kitchen door and knocks it.

He hears a few mumbled swear words before Poe’s footsteps approach the door and he pokes his head around, “Everything okay buddy?” Finn notices there’s flour in his hair.

“Do we have green tea?” he jerks his head towards the customer, whose beginning to look impatient.

“Yeah sure. The teas are just here under the water heater…” Poe pauses, realising that Finn’s back means he likely won't be able to crouch down to get them, “I’ll move them for you. You give the guy his cake and I'll sort this out, okay?”

Finn just nods and slides back to the till, taking out a cupcake and putting it in a little bag as he goes, “That and the tea will be $6.50, thank you.”

As Poe walks over holding the tea his hand starts to twitch and some of it splashes onto his hand, “ _ Shit. _ ” Finn pushes forward and takes the cup from him, before handing it to the man with an apologetic smile. He leaves without saying thank you.

Finn stares at him as he goes. “That guy was kind of an asshole,” he says, once he’s out the door and down the street.

Poe just sighs, “Yeah…”

A sudden beeping noise from Poe’s apron surprises them out of their silence, “Shit, that’ll be the cupcakes. Be right back.” He looks back at Finn, but he’s suddenly gone very still and very quiet. His eyes flicker slightly from side to side quickly and suddenly he’s stumbling onto the ground, sweating and shaking and panting.

“ _ Fuck,”  _ Poe mutters to himself, silencing the timer and kneeling down in front of Finn, “Finn, can you talk to me?”

He doesn’t move or blink, shows no sign of having heard Poe, just continues shaking and panting. Poe swears again. From experience he knows it might not be best to touch Finn right now, but if he doesn’t figure out how to calm him down then he’s gonna start panicking too and it’ll just devolve into-  _ Stop that train of thought before it leaves the station, thank you very much.  _ Finn lets out a low groan, his back held straight and rigid against the display case- fuck, his back.

BB trots over, snuffling at Poe’s face to calm him down. He hadn’t noticed how tight his chest felt. He gently turns her around to face Finn, forcing himself to regulate his own breathing.

“Here, BB. Go cuddle Finn. Give him some kisses, come on.” Poe hopes and prays that this works.

BB pushes her nose into Finn’s gently twitching hand, at first gently, and then with a little more force. Eventually Finn closes his eyes and let’s BB wriggle her way under his hand until he’s forced to pet her. Poe sits opposite him, watching, as slowly, Finn’s breathing slows to match the stroke of his hand, he stops shaking. A few more minutes pass and he opens his eyes.

“Hey,” Poe whispers softly, “you back with us?”

Finn nods slightly, uncertainly, he feels a bit like he’s walking a tightrope on a windy day. He has to focus on getting safely to the other side first. He holds up his finger, hoping that Poe will understand that that means he just needs a little more time and he nods in response.

“Is it okay if I get up to lock the door?” Finn nods, he can cope with that. 

Seconds later Poe is sliding back down the wall opposite him. Finn manages to give him a small smile, more of a grimace really, and Poe leans forward a little.

“Okay, so I’ve closed the shop for now. How do you feel about maybe havin’ a rest on the couch? You don’t have to, you can stay here. Or I can call your half-sister or something?” 

Finn doesn’t have a phone, hasn’t had the money, Rey might not even be in the flat, the floor is sending shooting pains through his leg and back, “Couch,” he croaks out.

“Okay buddy, there’s some stairs first but I’ll help you with that. Let’s get you up, c’mon,” Poe gently pulls Finn’s arm over his shoulder, holding his wrist, and tucks his other arm around Finn’s waist, trying to avoid putting too much pressure on his back. Finn tries to take a couple of steps then stops, wincing, “Hey take your time, you’re okay, there’s no rush.”

It probably takes them about ten minutes to finish the climb up Poe’s stairs, stopping frequently for Finn to breath and gather himself. Poe struggles slightly with Finn’s weight on him, he definitely used to be fitter than this but it’s been a while, about 6 years to be exact.

They finally reach the landing and Poe opens the door, guiding Finn to the couch. “You lay down however’s best for you, okay? I’m just gonna get a blanket and spare pillows.”

“‘M not sleepin’ over,” Finn mumbles quietly, a smile twitching around his mouth, Poe smiles back nervously, at least he’s feeling good enough now to crack jokes, “Nah I know buddy, just tryin’ to make you as comfy as possible.”

Once he’s got Finn settled on the couch with some water and a couple ibuprofen within reach he crouches down to speak to him, “Now I can stay up here with you if you need, but otherwise I reckon I could get BB to stay with you-”

Finn just catches Poe’s shoulder with an outstretched hand, “I’m good, you go back. Your customers need you,” he whispers.

Poe hesitates for a second, he doesn’t really want to leave Finn alone after an episode like that, but Finn taps his shoulder, “BB’ll let you know if anything happens, right? Don’t worry about it.”

And if Poe can trust BB to take care of him she can sure as hell be trusted to take care of Finn and frankly Poe should just chill out for a second and get back to work, “Okay pal, you know where I am if you need me.” And he heads back downstairs.

An hour passes with a small handful of customers coming through, unfortunately the cupcakes that had been in the oven were burnt beyond all recognition so he’d had to start a new batch. But with BB upstairs he didn’t have anyone to alert him to the customer that had just walked in, so the tentative, “Hello?” he hears from the bakery front surprises him. He half jogs out, “Hi, sorry, how can I help?”

The customer seems younger than most of his clientele, she’s probably a student or something, Poe figures.

“Hello, is Finn here?” She seems kind of nervy, eyes squinting at him, calculating. It’s unsettling.

Poe takes a second to figure it out, “You his half-sister?”

She seems to relax a little at that, “Yeah, he said he was working here today so I wanted to drop by after class. Where is he?”

Poe’s stomach squirms at that, she is probably not going to be happy that her half-brother's new employer just triggered him and caused him to potentially experience both flashbacks and a panic attack.

“Ah...he’s upstairs.”

She quirks her eyebrow at this, body visibly tensing, “Why?”

“Shit he uh… I kind of- He had a panic attack? Basically. I think,” Rey’s face immediately sets into something very cold, and frankly a bit scary, Poe stutters, “Y-you should probably come with me.”

Rey runs in front of him on the stairs, waiting for him to catch up. She still has that terrifying look on her face, like she’s about to punch something. But as soon as Poe opens the door it disappears as she moves to where Finn’s lying on the couch, sitting on the coffee table to talk to him. Poe stays leaning on the doorframe, this moment doesn’t belong to him.

“Finn what happened? Fuck, are you okay?” Rey grabs his hand, rubbing her thumb over his gently, the softness of her actions standing stark against the sharp tone of her voice.

“Rey? Did Poe call you?” She glances back at him, angry.

“No, he did not. I was stopping by to see how you were doing. Great, by the looks of things-”

“No, Rey, it was my fault-” Finn starts to sit up, Rey takes a deep breath in, about to interrupt him, “No, it was. I didn’t tell him and then his cake timer went off and he was really great about it. He’s like me Rey, all kinds of messed up.” Poe can hear the smile in Finn’s voice at that.

Rey turns to look at him again, eyes softer now, “You’re ex-military too?”

He walks over, this is his invitation to join in and offer his two cents, “Yeah, Air Force, served about 10 years. Bad plane crash, got real fucked up by it.”

Rey glances down to his hands and back up, clocking the shakes. Her face softens ever so slightly more.

BB trots back over to Poe, satisfied that she has cared for Finn and that he seems in a much better state now.

Poe bends to down to scratch her ears, “And BB was a big help, weren’t you?” he looks up at Rey. “Service dog,” he says by way of explanation.

Finn shuffles up the sofa slightly, pulling Rey to sit next to him, “I feel like now would be a good time to say that most beeping noises trigger me.”

Poe turns to look at him, “Most?”

“Yeah, like alarm clocks, timers, certain ringtones, car alarms. All that sort of stuff.” 

Rey smiles at Poe, it's small, but sharp, “We had to mute every single alarm in the flat when we figured it out. Those first couple of days were an adventure.”

He smiles back at her, before glancing at his watch, it’s already past closing.

“Shit. I better get down and close up. You guys are welcome to chill out here-”

“I’ve got homework… Is it okay if I bring Finn back with me?” Rey asks with a smirk.

Poe just snorts, “Yeah sure, he needs the rest after the day he’s had. You’re still gonna come back tomorrow right? I get it if you don’t want to...Not exactly an ideal first day.”

Finn nods, slowly moving himself upright, “Someone’s got to save your hands from third degree burns.”

“Thanks, pal.” Poe shoots back, voice dry with sarcasm, and follows Finn and Rey downstairs, “You guys wanna take some cakes with you? They’ll just end up getting binned otherwise.”

Rey nods seriously before breaking into a small grin, “If you’ve got any of those fruit tarts left I wouldn’t say no.”

Poe grins back at her, he likes this kid, she’s terrifying, and he packs them up a box of fruit tarts and a couple of other sweets that have already gone half stale before waving them off.

“See you tomorrow Finn.”

“See you tomorrow Poe.” 

When Poe finally heads back upstairs he lights a candle on the hob before taking it over to the coffee table and uses it to light his evening cigarette. He’s not usually one for chain smoking, but today has been one hell of a ride and he smokes three in quick succession while some game show plays on the t.v. Eventually he passes out on the sofa, another half-smoked cig smouldering in the ashtray, the candle gently burning down the wick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter isn't gonna keep on being individual days, the pace is probably gonna pick up next chapter, hopefully you liked this update and i hope i didnt botch the panic attack thing because i've only personally dealt with minor stuff before and i know its different for everyone  
> also can you tell i have no idea how service dogs work? if i do anything wrong let me know and ill edit accordingly


	3. Chapter 3

After that rocky first day they settle into an easy rhythm. Poe teaches Finn how to work the temperamental coffee machine and makes sure that everything he needs he can reach from his chair. Some customers look at it a little weird but no one's made a big deal out of it, thankfully. 

At some point a few weeks later, Finn starts coming in at 12:00 instead of 12:30 so that he can join Poe for lunch, have a chat about the specials and any interesting customers that he served in the morning. Poe starts eating his lunch in the bakery rather than his apartment, stocking up the fridge with sandwich fixings wedged between butter and eggs and milk for baking, saving Finn from having to climb up the stairs each day. He smokes his lunchtime cigarette out by the bins instead of his kitchen window once Finn goes back behind the till, then Poe starts the afternoon bakes.

Sometimes, when it's particularly quiet, Finn will slip into the kitchen and watch Poe work. It’s incredible to see, the only other time Finn has seen someone so in their element is behind the barrel of a gun. He imagines that Poe must have been like this when flying as well; the calm concentration on his face as he kneads dough and decorates cupcakes, hands not even trembling once. It's comforting. Maybe Finn could reach that point someday. 

He knows that Poe notices his continued exhaustion, how he zones out sometimes in the middle of conversation, the crescent marks on his hands and wrists from trying to remind himself that he  _ is  _ awake and he  _ is  _ here. But he hadn’t brought it up again after the first day, letting Finn talk about it occasionally at counselling, but otherwise not pressing him.

When they close up shop at 5:30 Poe packs up a small box of cakes for Rey (who insists that she’s going to get fat from all these cakes but frankly the girl could eat exclusively cake for every meal and she’d probably still be a ball of pure muscle), and walks with Finn to his apartment. He had done this the first few days after the panic attack to make sure Finn was okay. Finn had eventually told him he didn’t have to walk him home every day, but Poe had insisted that he enjoyed the fresh air, so they continued to walk together.

On Wednesdays they close up early and head to counselling together, it’s closer to the bakery anyway so it’s easier on Finn. Poe introduces him to Snap and Jess, who greet him with their usual combination of enthusiasm and silent respect. The first time Snap greets Finn he pulls him in for the same clasping hug he gives Poe, forgetting about his back, the small yelp and hiss that Finn lets out is enough for Snap to jump back and start apologising profusely. Poe clocks the overwhelmed look on Finn’s face and gently motions for Snap to back off a little. Things are slightly awkward after that, but they soon recover. Finn doesn’t seem bothered by the incident and Snap remembers to be just a little more careful around him.

Finn stays in the same seat as he had that first counselling session, opposite side of the circle from Poe. They catch eyes and smile at each other occasionally. It reminds Poe of being in highschool, making eye contact with his friends across the classroom and pulling faces behind the teachers back. He realises he hasn’t felt that kind of innocent glee for a long, long while. Probably since high school if he’s being honest. Everything after that had been shadowed by violence, even the stupid games they had played at base between missions. He stops just short of sticking his tongue out at Finn, everyone would see him and they’re about to start the discussions so it would probably be considered rude.

Poe mostly talks about how his nightmares and anxiety have been, issues from work, nothing really, that he doesn't already share with Finn. But Finn talks about his sleep (or lack thereof) and his dissociation, things that he doesn’t talk about with Poe alone. He doesn't know why, but he’s not going to press the issue. He wants Finn to feel like he can trust him and Poe may be able to give that part of himself to people easily, but Finn’s still relatively fresh from service and he knows that Finn is going to need a lot of help to get where Poe’s at. After all, it did take 7 years and an extensive amount of therapy.

They don’t see each other on Mondays, that day the bakery is closed and Poe uses the time to go produce shopping and do his paperwork. Finn rarely tells him what he does. But Poe is fairly certain that’s because he doesn’t move about much on his day off. 

That Sunday however, just as they’re getting ready to close up, Poe walks over to sit on the counter in front of Finn. He looks up at him, a flash of nervousness crosses his face, he can tell Poe wants to say something, and he hopes that this isn’t an intervention of any sort.

“Look, I know Monday is your day off,” Poe starts, rubbing his hands on his knees, he’s not sure why this is making him so nervy, maybe it’s because they’ve established such a comfortable routine and Lord knows Poe is a sucker for them, “but I was wondering if you would want to go pick up some fresh stock with me? Hell, you could even pick something for the specials if you wanted or-”

Finn, sensing that Poe was about to ramble himself into a tailspin, interjects, “Yeah, man.That would be nice.”

Poe’s smile as he looks up at Finn is almost startling in it’s intensity, “Really? I don’t think it would be too far for you to walk.”

“I’ll trust your judgement,” Finn gives Poe a small smirk, “should I meet you here or…?”

“Oh, yeah. Here at about 8:30, that good?” When Finn nods Poe slides off the counter, patting him lightly on the arm before heading round to wipe down the tables.

So at 8:27 the following morning Finn is making his way to the bakery. His back wasn't too bad this morning (he’d taken a few painkillers) and he’d actually gotten about four hours sleep so he was in a much better state of mind than he’d been for a while. Poe is leaning against the wall outside, when he notices Finn he waves and takes a large final drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out.

“You ready to go?” Poe says as he pushes himself upright, a slow smile on his face.

“Yeah, feelin’ pretty good actually,” Finn smiles back as they start to make their way down the street.

“Yeah? How come?” Poe glances across at him.

“I actually slept okay, got four hours last night,” saying it out loud it sounds less impressive, so Finn fixes his gaze back on the pavement in front of him.

Poe’s elbow nudges his side lightly, “Hey buddy, that’s great. Means whatever you're doing is working.”

Finn scoffs slightly, “Yeah, the job helps a lot,” he grows serious for a moment, “seriously man, thank you, for all this.”

Poe just nudges him again, “It’s no problem, you’re my pal,” he turns up a side street, “here we are.”

A small creaky sign outside the door reads  _ Maz’s Castle: Produce and Wholesale.  _ Frankly, it doesn’t look like much, but Poe throws a reassuring smile back at Finn, “My parents got all their stock from here. Maz cuts me a great deal on fresh produce, friends and family discount.” Finn just nods, giving a small smile in return.

The amount of fresh fruit and veg piled high along the aisles is incredible. The store isn’t cramped, but there's a fair few people milling about, sniffing melons and comparing avocados. Poe grabs a small basket and takes a scrap of paper and a pen out of his pocket.

“Usually what I do is buy some stuff for the apartment, and then write down the produce I wanna buy wholesale from Maz for baking with.” Finn nods, distracted, he isn’t really a fan of grocery stores. He probably should have thought that out before agreeing to come.

Poe frowns at him, “You okay, bud? You’re keeping pretty quiet.”

Finn just shrinks uncomfortably away from someone trying to pass him, “I probably should have said…” he whispers, “I get kind of anxious in stores.”

Poe winces, “Shit. I’m sorry. We can go. I can do this later-”

Finn grabs his arm, “No, it's okay,” he tries for a reassuring smile, “exposure to your fears and all that. I’ll let you know if I need out.”

“Okay, that’s okay.” Poe nods his head, glancing furtively between Finn and the people milling around them.

They wander around for a little while, picking up bread and vegetables for Poe’s apartment. Finn picks out some ham for their sandwiches, Poe thinks it looks disgusting but he might as well indulge the guy. Eventually Poe has all he needs as well as a small list of baking supplies.

Finn follows Poe, going even slower than usual, attempting to avoid as many people as possible. Up ahead there's a group of people on either side of the aisle, there’s no way he’s going to be able to squeeze through with his stick. 

He can feel a small sliver of panic slice through his gut and he reaches forward for Poe’s hand. Poe glances back down at their hands then back up to Finn, one eyebrow raised, “You good?”

“Just go through and I’ll be fine.” Poe nods and pulls Finn through the small gap, his chest tightens for a moment and then they're on the other side and it's clearer and Finn can breathe a little easier. He drops Poe’s hand.

Poe leads him to a counter at the end of the store with a small, wizened woman sat behind it, attending to a customer.

Eventually the tiny woman notices Poe and her already heavily magnified eyes widen, “Poe Dameron! Lovely to see you as ever.”

Poe puts on what Finn has come to know as his ‘charming customer service smile’, “I could say the same of you Maz, shall we go have a chat?”

The woman, Maz, beckons them to follow her back through a door behind the counter. They seem to be headed to some back room, and the noise of the busy store is already lost behind them. Finn feels more relaxed now, away from the bustle.

Poe glances back, throwing a smile at Finn before turning back to follow Maz into what looks like a living room. The walls are bare brick, draped with scarves and flags. Some over-stuffed armchairs smothered in pillows surround a low wooden table that carries an elaborate and overflowing fruit bowl. 

“You stink, boy!” she says as soon as the door is shut behind them, “anything you could have inherited from your father and it had to be the cigarettes.”

Poe looks down at his shoes, running his hand through his hair awkwardly as he sits down on the chair opposite her, Finn follows him after a moment’s hesitation. He’s never seen Poe look so abashed before, it's almost funny.

Her sharp gaze turns to him, regarding him for a moment, “Now you, you remind me much more of his father.”

Finn stiffens a little, he doesn’t know anything about Poe’s family, “I do?”

“Yes, you keep this boy going in the right direction. He takes too much after his mother, you know.” Finn glances at Poe, who looks half pained, half bemused. 

“Maz, could we get to business please?” Poe tries, but Maz is leaning over the table, removing her glasses to stare directly into Finn’s eyes.

“Yes...this one has known loss. He is running away from a lot of things.” Finn had been slowly trying to lean politely away from her but at that final comment he snaps and sits up. Poe notices the slight flinch of pain across his features

“Hey! You don’t know anything about me, what I’ve been through!”

Maz peers at him once more, “I suppose I do not,” and she leans back in her chair, putting her glasses back on.

Poe eventually manages to place an order for some nectarines, apricots and strawberries for the specials next week, as well as his usual items.

As they leave the store, blinking back into the sunlight Poe catches Finn’s elbow, “I‘m sorry about Maz. She can be kind of intense, especially around new people…”

Finn tries to smile at him, but it feels more like a grimace, “It’s okay, I swear.”

Poe, as usual, sees straight through him, “You know that you’re allowed to say no to things right? You don’t have to come places with me if they make you uncomfortable. You don’t have to try and keep the peace for anyone’s sake. You’re allowed to say no and you’re allowed to be pissed off.”

Finn stalls slightly, he wasn’t expecting that. Usually Poe lets him get away with this sort of stuff. He hadn’t thought he’d figured it out, that more often than not Finn would agree to things to keep people happy, or say something hadn’t bothered him when it had. 

“Yeah, I know,” is all that comes out of his mouth, but Poe seems satisfied by his answer and they walk back to Poe’s flat for lunch.

A couple more weeks pass in the usual way; Poe doesn’t ask Finn to come produce shopping with him again, but the apricot danishes go down a treat, as does the nectarine tart.

It’s another quiet day when Finn sidles into the kitchen. Poe is focused on finely slicing some apples and doesn’t acknowledge his presence. Finn sits on the counter behind him, watching his arm move rhythmically with the knife, the way his curls bounce slightly, the curve of his back- Poe turns around then, clocking the fact that Finn’s staring at him, a cheeky grin spreading across his face, “Like what you see?” and he wiggles his hips slightly. 

Finn’s face burns without his permission, “I-I wasn’t- I was watching you work,” he stutters indignantly. But Poe’s grin doesn’t let up and he just indicates for Finn to join him.

“How about you roll out that pastry for me?” He points to a ball of dough resting on the floured work surface.

Finn hesitates, “I don’t- I’ve never baked before.” He feels somehow guilted by the admission, he hasn’t told Poe a lot about his life, not wanting him to feel even more sorry for him.

Poe’s smile only wavers slightly, he doesn’t pry, “It’s not that hard, just take the rolling pin and make the dough into a sort of circle.”

So Finn picks it up and starts to roll, he stops when he notices Poe’s eyes on him, “What?”

“Dude, you gotta  _ roll _ the dough, not bully it into submission,” he takes a step closer to Finn, leaning across him for the rolling pin, “Here, I’ll show you.”

And he pushes the dough gently, turning it occasionally, just so Finn gets the idea, “Okay?”

Finn nods and takes the rolling pin back, attempting to push the dough more gently, Poe is still standing close to him.

“Here,” Poe covers Finn’s hands with his own, moving the pin forward with a smooth motion, “like this.” The rolling pin pushes the pastry out from underneath it, forward and out. Poe let's go briefly to turn it, and then his hand returns to Finn’s and they’re moving forward again. Pushing the dough out, it’s beginning to look a lot more like a circle.

“You got it?” Poe says quietly, Finn realises belatedly that Poe’s mouth is right next to his ear. He can’t let himself turn his head, he cannot do that. So he straightens up slightly, clearing his throat, “Yeah, I got it. I have got all of it. Every single bit of it. I have got.”

Poe steps back and moves to stir a small pot on the stove, “Okay, you got it.”

Eventually that becomes a part of their routine too, on quiet days, Finn comes into the kitchen and Poe lets him help out and teaches him how to bake.

One Thursday there’s some wonky cupcakes that Finn can practice icing on (they’d go to waste otherwise). For someone whose culinary experience is extremely limited he does a fair job. He’s got a steady hand and an eye for detail, that’s for sure. It’s just the skill that’s lacking, and that, Poe can teach him.

“Here, if I turn the cupcake and you hold the piping bag steady it should come out smoother,” so Poe tries to rotate the cupcake, but apparently his hands won’t give him a break and the nozzle ends up halfway through the cake.

“Shit, sorry. I fucked that up buddy.” he puts the cupcake down, fuck these shitty hands that don't work right.

“It’s okay,” Finn smiles at him, “just means I get to eat it, right?”

Poe matches his grin, “Sure, how do you think I ended up like this?” and he slaps his belly, watches it jiggle a little, “Curse of working in a bakery...”

Finn frowns ever so slightly, “I wouldn’t call it a curse.”

Poe laughs, licking a bit of icing off his finger, “You won’t be saying that when you’re old and fat like me.”

Finn just shoves a whole cupcake in his mouth in response.

It takes a few more weeks but eventually Finn has got a pretty good handle on pastry. Poe lets him prepare the miniature pie tins while he prepares the sweet glaze. He can tell that Finn’s having a bad pain day, he’s been more quiet than usual, leaning more heavily on his stick. But he doesn't complain once, so Poe doesn’t say anything.

“Hey, what would you say to helping me with morning bakes sometime?” Poe glances up to gauge Finn’s reaction; he pauses, spare cuttings of dough hanging from his fingers.

Poe adds, as an afterthought, “You don’t have to say yes. You would have to be here pretty sharp. And it doesn’t have to be tomorrow either, it could be next week or something…”

But Finn has started nodding slowly, “Yeah...I think I’d like that.”

“You sure? You’re not just saying yes because you think it’s what I want you to say?” Poe says, unwilling not to double check, triple check, that Finn is saying yes because he wants to.

Finn looks up at him properly, full eye contact, deadpan, “Yes Poe I would like to do morning bakes. This decision is made of my own free will. I am no longer a slave to the machine.” 

An inelegant snort makes it way out of Poe, “Alright I get it. Just makin’ sure.”

Finn smirks back and resumes his pastry cutting.

At some point they install a small service bell on the counter for when Finn is baking to make sure that customers know that someone’s in. Poe makes a comment about the fact that he originally brought Finn in so they wouldn’t have to leave the counter unattended in the afternoons, but Finn just replies with a derisive comment about him needing all the help he can get.

It takes a couple of weeks but Finn eventually brings up the morning shift again. He’s just served a customer a slice of blueberry cheesecake and, satisfied that no one else is coming in soon, slides his way to the kitchen door and pokes his head through.

“Poe,” he says, sliding slightly further in, “would it be okay to come in tomorrow morning?”

Poe turns, leaning against the counter frowning slightly, “We’ve got counselling tonight buddy, you sure?”

“Yeah I just figured, if it's not too much, that I could stay here? Saves making the trip here at like five in the morning.” Poe doesn't say anything, just stares at Finn, “I get it if that's too much or you don’t want me in your space or something I can-”

“Finn, that’s fine.” Poe waves his hand placatingly, “We’ll go to counselling, come back here, I’ll crash on the couch-”

Finn immediately interrupts, “I can’t push you out of your bed Poe, that's not fair.”

Poe just raises his eyebrow, incredulous, “You suffer from chronic back and leg pain that you refuse to take medication for, I think I can sleep on the sofa for one night.”

Finn looks like he’s about to argue his point, but just then a ringing comes from the store front and Finn slides reluctantly back through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at those guys just bein dudes, comments are always welcome- let me know how im doing!
> 
> also I know that updates have been on a fairly regular 3-5 business days update schedule, but i think that might be about to get fucked cos of work/social obligations, so apologies if the next chapter takes a wee while longer


	4. Chapter 4

The shadows are just beginning to lengthen when they walk out of counselling. Poe is carrying a box with a couple of cupcakes left, his other arm hanging by his side, occasionally brushing against Finn’s when their strides match up. 

“You wanna eat these when we get back?” Poe says, shaking the box gently.

Finn makes a face, “Nah, I’ve eaten enough crap today.”

“Hey, I didn’t say you had to eat all the leftover icing. You brought that on yourself pal.” Poe turns to grin at Finn. He had offered some of the spare icing to him, mentioned that when he was a kid his parents would let him lick the bowls clean before they washed them. Apparently Finn, along with never having been taught to bake, had never been given the opportunity to lick the bowl clean afterwards. Who was Poe to pass up that opportunity?

Poe glances back at Finn’s face, there’s a small line of tension running down his brow and curling around his mouth. It could either be his back or Iolo’s retelling of the flashback he’d had a couple of days ago, which had been unpleasant to hear. “You okay, bud? If your back’s really bothering you you could do the morning shift some other time...”

Finn shakes his head, “Nah, just the end of the day. I’ll be fine.”

But something still twists uncomfortably in Poe’s stomach, he knows Finn grew up in very different circumstances to him, from what he has implied. But he doesn’t understand why Finn refuses to take the pain meds he’s given- it's not as if they cost him anything. The poor kid’s pain tolerance is probably through the roof at this point. He doesn’t want to push it though, doesn’t want to make Finn feel uncomfortable or trigger him accidentally. He’d rather just Finn tell him in his own time.

Getting up stairs is never easy for Finn, let alone at the end of a work day, plus counselling, and despite Poe’s help he’s sweating and shaking slightly when they reach the door.

Poe unlocks it and gestures for Finn to sit on the sofa, “I’ll just change out the sheets on my bed. You can watch something if you want, or whatever,” he waves vaguely at the tv before disappearing into the bedroom. 

Finn can hear the faint rustling of sheets from the bedroom and the soft click of BB’s paws against the floor. He looks about himself properly. The first time he’d been up here, close to three months ago, he hadn’t exactly been in a state to notice any of the finer details.

There’s hundreds of photo frames scattered everywhere, shelves, walls, on top of the tv. Most of them featuring the same three people; a short, stocky man with eyes that crinkle just like Poe’s, a taller, slim woman with a wild mess of thick curling hair and Poe’s wide smile, and a baby, a child, a teenager, with squinting eyes and a wide smile. They look happy. But he notices that somewhere between Poe losing his front teeth and growing a foot taller the woman disappears. There’s an old bashed up guitar resting in the corner, almost hidden by the tv. He can hear Poe finishing up the bed, so he quickly sits down on the sofa, he doesn't want Poe to think he’s been snooping. 

“Bed’s all set up for you. I’m gonna make dinner, you want anything in particular?” Poe is leaning against the doorway to the bedroom, Finn can’t quite turn around enough to see him. Poe clocks this and walks round to sit on the coffee table, facing Finn.

Finn raises his eyebrow, giving Poe a small smirk “Well, what’s on the menu?” 

Poe, cottoning onto the game, stands up again and rests his arm across his body in an imitation of a fancy waiter, “The choices tonight, sir, are  _ frijoles con rizo _ or oven-baked  _ pomme de terre _ with a fermented dairy topping.” He doesn’t quite make it to the end before giggling, it's pretty hard to make baked potato with cheese sound fancy.

Finn starts laughing too, “I’ll take the baked potato please and thank you.”

Poe straightens up again with a flourish, “Your wish is my command sir,” and he does a little twirl before gliding toward the kitchen, leaving Finn wheezing a little on the sofa. Poe joins him for a bit while waiting for the potatoes to cook, Finn would feel guilty about Poe doing all the work, but really there isn’t all that much for him to do.

As it turns out, Poe makes a mean baked potato, perfect crispy skin and fluffy on the inside. 

“Poe, this is so amazing. Best potato I’ve ever had in my life,” he takes another massive bite. Poe looks at him, a little bemused.

“Yeah?”

“Mmf,” is all Finn manages to say in response. Once they’ve both finished Poe stands up to take the plates back to the kitchen.

“Do you want me to help with the dishes?” Finn calls through to the kitchen.

Poe pokes his head around the doorway, “You can dry if you want, none of these chairs are high enough to reach the sink.”

Finn frowns a little, “I  _ can _ stand you know, Dameron.”

Poe looks a little guilty, he hates accidentally babying Finn, “Yeah, I know, sorry. I’ll dry,” his fingers tap nervously against the doorframe, “Do you mind if I smoke?”

“It’s your apartment. You always stink anyway, I'm used to the smell.”

“Hey, thanks pal!” Poe shoots back, but there's a grin on his face and no venom in his voice, Finn’s forgiven him.

Finn leans against the counter, weight on his left leg, washing off the dishes before passing them to Poe, cigarette alternating between dangling in his mouth and resting in the ashtray on the small table.

He had noticed already that Poe always lit his cigarettes on gas hobs, never with a lighter or matches. It hadn’t taken much to figure out, he had more control over the direction of his face than his hands, holding a lighter steady enough must be close to impossible. Even now he had nearly dropped three glasses and a knife on his foot, cursing each time.

“What do you wanna do after?” Poe mumbles around the cigarette, stacking the plate he’d just dried on the pile.

Finn shrugs, “It’s not that late, we could watch a movie or something, if you want? I mean, it's your flat…”

“Yeah, sure. I think there's a few dvds kicking about if there isn’t anything on the tv.”

“You don’t have Netflix?” Finn scoffs, “Man, you’re old.”

Poe whips the tea towel at him, “I’m a working man, Finn.”

Finn laughs as the towel barely skims by his leg, “That’s no excuse.”

Poe just grumbles something under his breath and manages not to drop the mug Finn just passed him.

They eventually settle on an old dvd of Paul Blart: Mall Cop that Poe has kicking around for some reason, god only knows where it came from or why he even has it in the first place. Poe takes his pack of cigarettes through to the living room, “In case I need another,” being his excuse.

The film is only vaguely funny, and they probably shouldn’t laugh as hard as they do, running out of breath and wiping tears away. As it draws to a close Finn realizes that he hasn’t had that much fun with another person in a long time. Sure he has Rey, but lately they’ve both been so busy and before that Finn had rarely even felt present enough to hold a conversation with her properly. This was a nice change.

Poe stares at the rolling credits and the thought idles across his mind that he had frankly forgotten what it felt like to just hang out with someone. He shifts slightly and becomes acutely aware of how they’re sitting, Poe with his arm around the back of the sofa, Finn’s head resting next to his hand, touching occasionally as he twitches, knees close to touching. Poe can feel the heat radiating off Finn, which means that surely Finn can feel him too. He turns to ask Finn if he wants to turn in, but something about the way the smooth lines of his face are caught by the dim, flickering light of the tv snatches the words from his throat. It takes Finn frowning and asking if Poe’s alright for him to shake himself out of it.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, zoned out.” Poe stands up, fingers glancing across Finn’s shoulder, before he goes to take out the DVD, “You wanna hit the hay? There should be a spare toothbrush under the sink somewhere.”

In his peripheral vision he sees Finn nod and start to stand, grimacing as he does so, “You okay?” Poe stands up, ready to help Finn.

“I’m good,” he replies shortly, grabbing his stick and turning from Poe to limp to the bathroom.

Poe has known Finn for about three months now, and he knows they get on well. They have a similar sense of humour, similarly traumatic pasts and similar scars to show for it. But Poe still struggles sometimes with Finn, telling how he’s feeling, how bad his pain is, if he actually doesn’t need help or he’s just too proud to admit it. Sometimes Poe feels like he’s pissed off at him and he’s not sure why, if he said or did something, or if he’s just in a general bad mood. He hopes that this time Finn is just tired, that he hasn’t actually annoyed him by offering too much.

Poe sets the radio alarm for 5:30 and shows Finn how the shower works, Finn nods along with his instructions but seems distracted, not quite present.

“Well, I’m gonna get some sleep, you need anything just ask me. I won’t mind,” Poe interrupts his own speech with a yawn and pats Finn on the shoulder as he shuffles to the sofa, organising the pillows and blankets.

“Yeah, sure,” Finn says quietly from the doorway to Poe’s room, “‘Night, Poe.”

“‘Night, Finn.” The light clicks off and the apartment is left in darkness.

 

* * *

 

He’s back in his fighter jet, shooting through the sky, the other pilots in his squadron in formation around him. His hands grip the yoke solidly, and they surge forward. He can feel it building in his chest, the adrenaline, the sheer joy of flying, growing and growing until- crushing, a crushing weight on his chest and he can’t breath. His jets going down, some bastard landed a lucky shot and now he was gonna go down burning. Alone. Radio silence. Everything’s shorted out. He’s trapped in his cockpit, spiraling towards the earth.

 

* * *

 

Finn is lying on his back staring at Poe’s ceiling. There’s a crack running from the corner, disappearing back into the plaster. Everything about this has been a lot more overwhelming than he had previously thought it might be. It was just all so  _ Poe _ . The smell of his sheets and the quilt draped across the bottom of the bed and the framed posters on the wall and the slightly stale smelling ashtray and the old coffee cups. It had been just him and Rey for the longest time, even after they’d finally been fostered. Even when he’d fallen in with the wrong kids at school, even after he’d joined the army. And suddenly there was Poe. All warm generosity and an unending supply of smiles that hid, or maybe just sheltered, a much more quiet part of him. Finn had never met anyone so willing and generous as Poe was, which made the fact that he had been essentially a recluse for the past 7 years seem bizarre.

His train of thought is interrupted by a sound from the living room, it’s not BB, who was sleeping on a pillow near the door, her ears prick up at the sound. It’s almost like...crying? Finn pushes himself up, pins and needles shooting down his right side as his spine twists. The cane is on the other side of the bed, nevermind.

The sound grows more distinct, becomes more like muttering. As he makes his way towards the sofa he sees Poe, hands clenched tight, head shaking back and forth, chest heaving like he can’t catch his breath.

“ _ No. Mami. Quema. Quema, Mami.” _ There’s sweat beading on his forehead and his body is shaking with tension. Finn realises that he’s never seen Poe like this. He’s always seemed so well-recovered and... normal, for lack of a better word.

Finn bends down gently, the movement still sending crackles of pain down his spine into his leg, “Poe. Poe, wake up.” 

He grabs onto his wrists, unsure how Poe will react to waking up, “Poe you’re in your apartment. You’re safe.”

BB trots up to him then, jumping up onto the sofa and licking at Poe’s face, nuzzling him and whining slightly. Poe’s eyes shoot open and he finally takes in a full deep breath of air.

“Hey,” Finn whispers, still holding onto Poe’s wrists, “You okay?”

Poe looks about himself for a moment, eyes still wide, looking back at Finn he nods, “Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Can I…” He trails off, catching his breath.

“Whatever you need man,” Finn rubs his thumb across Poe’s wrist, Rey had done this innumerable times for him, holding hands always helped to ground him, had done since they were kids.

Poe nods a little distractedly and moves to stand up, shaking slightly. Finn, despite the pain, moves with him, holding onto his elbows now. They shuffle back towards the bedroom, Finn could almost laugh at the scene currently- him with his limp and Poe shaking like a leaf- like two old men.

When they get back to the bed Poe gently lowers himself onto it, pulling the blankets over his body and cocooning himself so that Finn can barely see the tip of his nose and a shock of dark hair. He goes to leave, maybe to try sleeping on the sofa or just sit in the kitchen until Poe falls asleep, but Poe grabs onto his wrist, “No,” comes his muffled voice, “stay, please.”

Finn lies back down on the other side of the bed, “Fine, but you’re going to have to give me some duvet.”

Poe turns to face him, unraveling himself slightly, “I’m sorry. I was kinda hoping the change of routine wouldn’t trigger my nightmares but...”

Finn nods, understanding, “That’s okay,” he turns his head to look at Poe, “we can’t always tell how our brains are gonna react.” Poe sighs deeply and stares at his hands.

“I used to get them every night, nearly drove me delusional I wanted to sleep so bad. The first time I slept through the night I nearly wept with joy,” Poe’s voice shakes a little, “so the next day I did the exact same thing as I had the day before in the hope that I’d sleep easy two nights in a row, and I did that again and again and again. Until it was seven years later and I never went out except for grocery shopping and I never socialised-” Poe’s voice finally cracks under the weight of his words and Finn reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“I don’t know if the therapist or the CBT helped or whatever, but I got it in my head that pretty much the only way to sleep was to just do the same thing, follow the same routine every day, every week.”

Finn squeezes his hand again, “Hey, no one ever said we had to get fully better. Just that we should be able to at least live with ourselves. And I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job of that.”

Poe just sighs, “Look at me man. I’m an old, fat, loser with approximately one and a half friends and no social life to speak of and-”

Finn stops his tirade by awkwardly pulling him into a hug, “Poe Dameron you are the most kind and generous man I have ever met. Would you shut up, please.”

“Sorry man,” Poe pulls back to look at Finn, “I kind of unloaded that on you…”

“It’s fine,” Finn smiles slightly, wiping at a stray tear still clinging to his cheek, “that’s what friends do for each other right?”

Poe smiles back hesitantly, “Right.”

“Now go to sleep, we got to get up in like four hours.”

They lie there in silence for a while, Poe’s breathing starts to even out before Finn speaks out tentatively, “Poe?”

“Hm?” Poe roles back to face the ceiling, “You alright?”

“Since we’re uh...being honest,” Finn takes a deep breath, “Rey’s been the only stable family I’ve ever had. We were both just getting pushed through the care system, and then, then we found each other and we clung to each other for dear life,” Poe turns to face him, a crease in his brow, “They had to move us together because the one time they tried to separate us she wouldn’t stop getting in fights and I started having panic attacks. We eventually got moved to a foster home, it wasn’t in a great part of town, neither of us liked it there...” Finn takes a deep breath, obviously skipping something, “So then I joined the army as soon as I could, and she got a scholarship to study engineering. And then I nearly died- if that piece of metal had been millimetres closer to my spine I’d either be completely paralyzed or dead.”

Silence hangs heavy in the air when he finishes, he’s never told anyone all of this, and it's not even the half of it. He goes to turn away from Poe, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes.

“Finn-”

“It’s okay, Poe.”

“I know, just-” Poe shuffles forward and wraps his arms around Finn, one over his chest and the other under his neck, “Thank you for telling me that.”  

Finn nods and feels Poe move back to the other side of the bed, Poe falls asleep relatively quickly, but Finn lies awake for another half hour or so. Eventually the warmth of the bed and the sound of Poe’s breathing lulls him to sleep.

 

* * *

 

The alarm wakes Finn up first by blaring some annoying pop song. He goes to turn it off, but pauses when he finds himself trapped under Poe, who had managed to achieve some sort of koala hold on Finn during the night, head on his chest, arms and legs wrapped around him. Finn looks down at Poe, whose face is beginning to twitch as the music infiltrates his sleep. His hair is spread out in a dark halo around his head and there’s a small spot of drool on Finn’s chest where his mouth had been hanging open.  _ Beautiful. _ The word drifts unbidden across Finn’s mind and he shakes himself, leaning over to turn off the radio, dislodging Poe in the process.

“Huh?” Poe sits up on his elbow and looks up at Finn, “That the alarm?”

His voice is hoarse and croaky, and his breath stinks, but Finn can’t help but smile at how confused he looks, “Yeah, you can shower first, I gotta do PT stretches.”

Poe nods and rolls out of bed, seemingly unperturbed, or completely unaware, of the fact that he’d woken up clinging to Finn like a little kid. He putters around in his t-shirt and boxers, looking for some clean clothes, while Finn starts on his left leg. 

Once in the shower Poe presses his head against the wall, “Shit. Shit. Shit.” He couldn’t believe that he’d woken up fucking wrapped around Finn like they were some sort of  _ thing. _ Which they were a hundred percent not, because Poe was old and gross and Finn didn’t need some messed up old vet leching after him. But fuck he was so warm and firm and smelt so nice and god it had been so wonderful to just sleep next to someone and fuck- he was going to have to deal with what all these thoughts were doing to his dick.

After they had both showered and caffeinated themselves they headed downstairs to start the morning bakes. Poe decided he would do the danish pastries since Finn had no practice with them, but he let Finn do the cupcakes and the pastry for the tarts. They were done in half the time Poe usually took, they still had about forty-five minutes before they had to open up shop.

Poe moves to lean next to Finn while they wait for the pastries to cool a little, “Listen man, about this morning, last night-”

Finn cuts him off, “It’s fine, I get it. You’re probably used to having the whole bed to yourself right?”

Poe nods, chuckling slightly, “Yeah, always been a clingy sleeper. Since I was a kid…”

“Uh huh, so that is you in all those photos?” Finn turns to smile at him.

“Yeah, me and Dad and Mom. She died when I was eight...I mean- you probably guessed from the photos.”

“I didn’t want to assume…”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Poe throws Finn a rueful smile, “I’ll open up shop now, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> agh I'm so sorry this took so long!!! but life has been busy and also shitting on me for the past three weeks so you'll have to forgive me, also i feel like this is getting shittier with each chapter i post but that mightjust be me, hope you enjoyed it


	5. Chapter 5

When Finn lets himself back into the apartment at the end of the day Rey is waiting for him on the sofa, “So,” she drawls, leaning her head back to look at him, “how was sleeping over at Poe’s?”

“Good, it was fine. Had dinner, went to bed, did the morning bakes. Just what you’d expect.” Finn distracts himself from Rey’s questioning gaze by fiddling with his jacket and slipping of his shoes.

“You sleep okay?”

Finn nods, “His mattress is nicer than mine, less lumpy.” Despite the truth of his answer, he carefully leaves out the fact that sharing the bed with Poe definitely helped as well.

Rey doesn’t seem convinced, she can probably tell that Finn’s hiding something, he’d never been able to keep anything from her for long. She was sharp like that.

“Uh huh, well there’s leftover pasta in the fridge from last night if you want it.”

“Sure, thanks.”

Finn goes to reheat the pasta and sits down heavily next to Rey, “Anything exciting happen while I was gone?” he says, not really expecting there to be an answer, very little exciting stuff happens to them anymore, not since they moved in together. So it comes as a surprise when Rey turns to face him, almost bouncing up and down with excitement.

“I got an internship at Skywalker Industries!” 

Finn’s eyes widen, “Holy shit! Really?”

Rey squeals a little, her grin so wide it almost stops her from being able to speak, “Yeah!”

“When do you start?”

“Next month, I’m going to be working at their main base.”

Finn’s excitement dims at that, “But that’s all the way across state…”

Rey calms down a little too, “Yeah, they’re providing me with accommodation which is super nice of them, but-”

“I could come with you? Couldn't I?” Finn knows he’s grasping at straws, he won’t be able to get another job, won’t have his counselling group, won’t have Poe, might not even be allowed to stay with Rey depending on the accommodation agreement.

“You can’t do that Finn, you know that,” Rey reaches out to hold his hand, thumb rubbing over his, “You’ve got a job here, friends, stability. That’ll still be there even if I’m-”

“But  _ you _ won’t be.” He’s being petty, he knows it, but the idea of being separated from Rey again after only just being reunited with her after being discharged stings.

“Hey, I’m still here for another three weeks, you’ll have time to sort things out,” she pauses, eyes brightening, “Tell you what, why don’t we have a goodbye party? That way we can make me leaving more of a celebration, yeah?”

Finn snorts, “Sure, and invite who?”

“Well, Poe, definitely. What about those people from counselling, Snap and Jessika? I’ve got a couple of college friends I can invite…”

“Bring Poe here?” The idea feels foreign to Finn, it had never occurred to him to bring Poe into his space, it was always Poe letting Finn into his, not that it was a problem, just...odd.

“Sure, there a problem with that?” Rey frowns a little.

“No, just feels weird that's all, like I know so much more about him than he knows about me, you know?”

Rey sighs, Finn has had this problem before, purposefully avoiding certain parts of his past that he thinks people won’t approve of or might pity him for.

“Finn, he’s not going to magically discover any incredible secrets about your past from seeing our apartment. Most of this junk’s mine anyway,” she says, gesturing vaguely around the room.

She’s right, Finn turned up here with a backpack full of clothes and one crumpled up photo of him and Rey at the beach. He’d never been one for material possessions. And even now, months since moving in, his room had little more decoration than it had before, save for the same photo, now framed, which sat on his bedside cabinet.

“Sure. Fine. A party sounds good.”

Rey grins widely again and rubs his head before skipping off to her room, leaving Finn on the sofa feeling slightly like he’d been turned inside out.

 

* * *

 

It takes a couple of days for him to bring it up with Poe, trying to figure out how to phrase the question, or even broach the issue of Rey leaving.

He decides the best course of action is just to come straight out with it.

“Hey, Poe?” he asks, just as Poe has taken a massive bite out of his sandwich, a bit of lettuce poking humorously out of his mouth.

“Hm?”

“So basically Rey is moving across the state for this internship and so we were gonna have a goodbye party for her, do you wanna come?” He pushes it out in one big rush to stop any of the words getting caught in his throat.

Poe stares at him for a while, chewing carefully, “Could you go through that again at about half the speed?” he says eventually.

“Rey is moving across the state to do an internship at Skywalker Industries and-” Poe’s eyes widen.

“Skywalker Industries? Fuck!”

Finn just nods, “Yeah that was how I reacted too, she’s gonna do so well, I know it. She’s so smart-”

Poe notices the bitter undertone in Finn’s voice, “Hey, how are you feeling about this?”

Finn looks up at him sharply, “What?”

“I mean Rey is obviously over the moon, who wouldn’t be? But frankly that face is telling me all sorts of shit that isn't just ‘Oh my God my half-sister is an engineering genius and achieving shit and I love her so much!’”

Sometimes Finn hates how easily Poe can read him, “Look, we’re having a goodbye party, do you want to come?”

Poe is slightly taken aback by Finn’s complete refusal to even answer the question, but decides to let it pass this time, they are on lunch break after all, “Yeah sure, when is it?”

 

* * *

 

Finn corners Snap and Jess after counseling that week, Poe is hanging around somewhere behind him talking to Iolo.

“I know neither of you have met my half-sister, but she’s moving out in a few weeks and we were gonna have a goodbye party and she thought you guys might want to come? If, y’know, you're not busy. ‘Cause I’m sure you guys have, like, stuff-”

Snap cuts of his rambling, “Sure man, just let me know when so I can sort it with the wife. Can she come too?”

Jess just nods, mouthing a quiet, “Yeah,” before patting Finn gently on the arm and leaving.

Over the next few weeks Poe doesn’t bring up the subject of Rey leaving unless it’s to talk specifically about the party, hesitant to even broach the topic of how Finn’s feeling about it. But it’s hard not to notice that it’s affecting him, his under eye circles have deepened again, the crescent marks are back on his arms and hands, he’s once again wavering between distant and ultra-focused.

But before they know it it’s two days before Rey’s departure and the party is that evening.

 

* * *

 

Rey is dashing around the kitchen madly, checking on the pizza in the oven, pouring crisps into bowls, stashing beer in the fridge.

“I’ve never hosted a party before Finn! I have no clue what I’m doing”

He sighs from the sofa, “Well, neither have I. I guess both of us are just poor examples of real adults.”

Rey turns sharply at him, “Finn, if you are going to be a total misery guts the whole evening I am going to tell the others they might as well not turn up, including Poe. Now do something useful and and put these bowls about the place.”

He sighs again, mostly for dramatic effect this time, but stands up and starts putting the small bowls of crisps on various tables around the kitchen and living room. The last time he went to a party was probably in highschool, and that was definitely a very different sort of event from this. Those parties had been all drugs and booze and about getting with as many girls as possible, and frankly Finn had never felt comfortable with all of that. He only went along because otherwise the group of guys he was loosely involved with would have made his life a misery. 

At that moment the doorbell rings and Rey bounces towards the door, Finn manages to grab a beer from the fridge, “Hi! You must be Snap and… Oh, Karé! Lovely to meet you, come in.”

Finn straightens up as they enter the room and gives them a small wave, suddenly feeling less anxious about Rey and more about the fact that he has never spoken to Snap outside of counselling before. And he hasn’t even met his wife, Karé.

“Hey, Finn. How are you man?” Snap extends his hand, and Finn shakes it strongly enough to try and hide his nervousness.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” if he can get Snap to start talking about his kids he reckons he’s in the clear, “How are the kids?”

“Oh they’re great, today they-” Snap sits on the sofa to start telling Finn what they did at nursery, Finn sits next to him, rolling the beer around in his hand.

As it turns out Karé is also an engineer, so her and Rey find plenty to talk about before the doorbell rings again and before Rey can run off to answer it Finn yells out an, “I got it!” and pushes himself out of the sofa.

He pulls open the door to see Poe, Jess standing slightly behind him and BB sat by his feet. Instead of his usual worn out t-shirt and and scruffy jeans he’s wearing a dark button up and a pair of dark jeans, not a trace of flour on him. His hair looks slightly damp, like he just washed it. Finn can’t help but notice that he cleans up good. Poe smiles shyly and holds out a bottle of wine, “It’s been a while but this is the customary thing, isn’t it?”

Finn just nods and takes the wine, indicating for Poe and Jess to enter, she taps him lightly on the shoulder as she goes by, her own way of saying  _ Hi. _ He follows them back into the kitchen-living room space, Karé and Rey are still leaning against the counter, chatting away about superstructures or something. Snap is welcoming Poe and Jess with his customary hug.

Finn walks over to them, “You guys want a beer or something?” This is what hosts do right, make sure their guests are fed and watered and comfortable?

“Nah, just water is fine,” Poe says, smiling politely at him.

Jess responds with “Beer,” quietly enough that had Finn not been looking at her he probably wouldn’t have realised she’d spoken.

He shoots a smile back at Poe and goes to get their drinks, leaving the wine on the counter. It’s then that the doorbell rings again and Rey goes to welcome in her friends from college.

It’s been a long day already so Finn sits down on the sofa, tired out by the friendly conversation and welcoming attitude he’s been projecting, the same one as he uses for customers, which already starts to wear thin by the end of the five hours he works with Poe. A low level burning pain has been nestled in the small of his back all day and has now been accompanied by some painful pins and needles in his right knee.

Someone puts some music on, filling the gap between the conversations. Some soft indie stuff, nothing too harsh. Rey and Finn had learnt that anything more electronic or dancy than standard pop music tended to cause problems for Finn, particularly songs with sirens, so she would make sure that that wouldn’t be an issue tonight.

He nurses the beer in his hands, taking a sip, picking at the label, making little curls of paper.

“You having fun there?” Finn looks up to see Poe grinning at him, indicating the little bits of paper scattered on his legs.

“‘M just a little tired,” Finn starts to clean himself up, making to stand since he’s obviously not being social enough, but Poe throws himself down next to him.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed you being more tired these past few weeks buddy. You sure you’re doing okay?” Poe’s eyes are filled with such genuine concern that Finn finds the fear that he’s been pushing down start bubbling up, forming a knot in his throat.

“I’m doing fine. I’ll be fine.” He can’t bear to look Poe in the face, otherwise he definitely won’t be able to keep it together.

Poe seems to notice his distress and takes his hand, rubbing his thumb, just like Rey does, “You know if you ever need to talk to someone you can trust me? I’ve got your back.”

Finn nods, swallowing, still looking resolutely at his lap. Eventually Poe takes his hand away, and Finn feels strangely isolated, despite the fact that they’re squeezing eight people into their tiny kitchen-living room.

He mumbles something about needing the toilet and pushes up from the sofa, away from Poe. He needs to get a hold of himself. This is meant to be a celebration, he can’t be acting so selfish.

The harsh bathroom light throws his features into sharp relief, the dark bags, the subtle shine of tears beginning to form in his eyes. He’s so tired. So scared. Alone. He knows that Poe is trying but he just can’t- can’t talk to him, can’t show him all of what he is, what he used to be. The only person he has that with was Rey, and she’s leaving. He would be in their apartment alone, no-one to help him out, no-one to get stuff out the freezer or off the floor, no-one to  _ exist _ with. Was he going to have to cancel the lease? How was he going to survive?

He pulls in a deep shuddering breath, pushing the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to stop the tears from spilling. They slip down his face, warm and wet. 

He’s startled by a knock at the door, “Hey, Finn, you doing okay?” It’s Rey. How long has he been in here?

“Yeah, out in a sec,” the interruption makes the panic flare up even more, he can’t actually lock himself away from this situation. It’s unavoidable. Suddenly the bathroom feels claustrophobic. He’s got to get out. Somehow. Without being seen.

Thinking as quickly as he can he splashes his face with water and rubs it with a towel before throwing a quick glance to the mirror. Eh, good enough. Walking out the bathroom, Rey seems to have accepted that he was doing okay and has gone back to the sofa to talk to Poe. Good. He strolls as casually as he can into his room, as if he were only going in to get something and come right out again. He doesn’t notice BB’s ears pricking up as he walks by her position under the coffee table next to the sofa. 

As soon as the door is closed behind him he walks to the other side of his bed and slides down the wall. He almost relishes in the added pain that comes with the movement for a second, before the wave of fear and doubt he’s been trying to push back for the past three weeks crashes over him and overwhelms him completely. He has to keep his hand on his mouth to stop anyone from hearing the sobs. Since he woke up in hospital he got pretty good at keeping quiet when it all got too much, but Rey could always tell the next morning.

He doesn’t register the scratching on the door at first. It’s only after the initial wave of sobs has passed that he notices it. Scrubbing at his face he pulls himself up and cracks the door open, BB is sat staring up at him. He opens the door a crack wider, making sure to stay behind the door so nobody sees him, and she trots inside, pausing to nuzzle at his legs. But before he can shut the door a foot jams itself in the gap; Poe’s.

“Finn, I know you don’t wanna talk but Rey and I think it might be better if you do… She’s worried about you...Finn?”

Eventually he relinquishes control of the door and lets Poe in. Finn doesn’t even give him time to turn properly before he wraps his arms around him, rocking back and forth slightly, fists tense and shaking behind Poe’s back. Another shuddering breath pulls its way through Finn’s lungs.

“Shh, it’s okay. I got you.” Poe rubs gently across Finn’s shoulders, careful to avoid his spine.

“I’m scared, Poe,” it comes out as a weak, wet whisper against Poe’s shoulder.

“I know, buddy. Rey told me about some of the stuff. I can’t say that I can relate to it but I need you to know that I will  _ never _ ,” at that Poe pushes Finn’s shoulders to arms length in order to look him straight in the eye, “ _ never _ judge you or think less of you for anything that happened in your past.”

The pure sincerity and compassion in Poe’s face is stunning. This man is truly willing to forgive him for his past, no-one who ever found out treated him the same after. The relief that washes away his guilt and fear is so immense that Finn can think of nothing else to do but press his lips against Poe’s, hands moving to cradle his face in an attempt to transmit just how  _ grateful _ he is.

Poe breathes in sharply, barely beginning to reciprocate before he pulls back slightly, “Finn-”

Finn steps back, looking down, ashamed. How could he have been so stupid as to think that Poe would be okay with this,“It’s okay, I understand-”

“Hey, no. It’s not ‘cause I don’t want to kiss you. God knows I do… But you’re in a vulnerable place right now. I can’t take advantage of that…” Poe rubs Finn’s shoulder gently, “Why don’t we take a seat and we can hash this out, okay?”

Finn nods, feeling drained, “Okay.”

It’s about half an hour later when Rey sticks her head in the door, the noise has been steadily escalating from the living room as people continued to drink and get to know each other. Someone may have started a game of Ring of Fire after Rey said she’d never played.

“You boys doing okay?”

Poe and Finn are sat next to each other, leaning against the bed. Poe has his arm around Finn’s shoulder, pulling him close, while Finn fidgets with the edge of his shirt, head resting on Poe’s shoulder and BB sat in his lap.

Poe’s lips tug up into a half-smile, “Yeah, Mom,” he grows more serious for a moment, “we talked through some stuff... Is it okay if I stay here tonight?”

Rey nods, it's now that Poe notices how flushed her cheeks are and the slight unsteadiness to her movements, he nudges Finn, “Hey, you wanna talk to Rey?”

Finn nods dumbly and she tiptoes over, closing the door behind her. Poe gets up into a crouch, “I’m gonna go back out there, okay? You need me just let BB know.”

Finn nods again, managing to give Poe a small, tight, smile.

Rey sits down heavily next to him, her usual grace suppressed by the alcohol, “Hey.”

Finn turns to her, takes her hand, deep breath “I-I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I was really scared and I didn’t want to think about you leaving and that was kind of selfish of me and also I’m ruining your party so-”

“Finn, it’s okay. I’m not mad, I’ve been with you since you got out of hospital. I’ve known you longer than anyone. Even someone who wasn’t dealing with all the crap you have to deal with would be upset…” she sighs, glancing back towards the door, “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself. When I get back I wanna see you kicking ass and taking names, alright?”

He snorts a little at that despite himself, “Okay, yeah. I promise.”

Rey smiles gently, “Good.” She shifts so that she can wrap her arms around his shoulders.

“Rey?” Finn whispers.

“Yeah?”

“What did you say to Poe?”

She pulls back a little, smile turned a little sadder now, “I asked how you’d been at work, he said you’d been regressing a little. He thought it might be about me leaving, so I told him...some of the stuff from when we were kids, to explain to him why we’re so close.”

“Oh… did you tell him about that time at the grocery store?”

Rey smirks a little at the memory, “Yeah, I did. He thought it was kinda funny, which I suppose it is, in hindsight.”

Finn smiles a little too, “Okay, you wanna go back out? Don’t want you to miss your own party.”

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, when all the other guests have left, it’s just the three of them. Rey is bustling about, clearing up dirty glasses and various pieces of detritus. Poe is sorting out the pillows on the sofa, getting ready to sleep on it for the night before Finn takes a hold of his wrist.

“Would you...please-I…” Finn’s mouth works around the words, seemingly unable to get them out.

Poe smiles, takes Finn’s hand, “Sure, I’ll sleep in your bed. No funny business though, right?” he says the last part with a wide grin and a jab at Finn’s ribs.

He can’t help but smile back, “Yeah, no funny business.”

Rey murmurs a goodnight to them on the way to her room, and they smile tentatively at each other, alone in the still darkness of the living room.

“Can we- can we talk about this in the morning?” Finn whispers, nodding down at their hands.

Poe nods, leading Finn to his room. He falls asleep quickly, as he often does after days as busy as this, but Finn can feel the waves of fear still lapping at him, knows they won’t go away until long after Rey has gone. So he reaches out to take Poe’s hand and bring it to his chest. Poe follows the movement, barely conscious, and ends up with his neck tucked in the crook of Finn’s armpit, hair tickling his chin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow sorry for all that angst guys, it kind of took me by surprise thanks to the story changing a little from what i had planned, hopefully you guys enjoy anyway
> 
> the whole snap/kare thing is based on the poe dameron comics (they kind of have a thing???)
> 
> who are rey's college friends? idk tbh

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know how the american system works when it comes to veterans/treating ptsd, because here for sure you'd get free counseling, so im sorry if theres any stuff thats wrong about like heathcare/the military and please let me know so i can edit it, ty, 
> 
> im gonna try and actually finish this, but im real busy next month so updates wont be that regular, sorry


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